The Buena Vista
Diaries

Part Uno, Part Duo & Part
Tres

Baja or Bust

Doc Fun's Baja Shrimp
Cortez Recipe

Stolen Dinghy Story

How to Clean Your Boat

Buying an Island

Club Med

Doc Fun's Rules of Life

Molokai Crossing

Revenge of the Grey
Poupon

Wind in My Sails

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR BOAT

A dirty boat as everyone knows, is one of the leading causes of cancer in laboratory rats. Millions die each year from incidents related to various forms of silt, slime, sludge, and sarcophagus (the deadly ‘4 S’s’) which gather on hulls everywhere.

Boats often become dirty when you put them in the water. This is especially true if the water itself is dirty. And unless you live on the spring by the Evian factory where they supposedly get that fancy $5/bottle stuff, your water is dirty. Of course actual dirt is dirty too, but only people without water go boating on dirt.

The best way to clean a dirty boat is with Doctor Phunn’s Special Dirty Boat Cleaner. You can purchase this by simply sending me $39.95 (plus shipping, handling and a ticket to the Cayman Islands) and I will be happy to send you.... something. What’s that? Who, me? Oh, sorry about that, faithful readers; I was just informed by someone who sounded very important that I am not allowed to solicit personal business in my personal column. This type of offer has to be in it’s proper place (see the last page of this magazine) or we can get in very big trouble from people who think that their inferior products deserve equal time. So I will not mention the obvious advantages of Doctor Phunn’s Special Dirty Boat Cleaner again.

Another alternative is to use a car wash. Simply hitch your boat trailer to the back of your car(s), close your window(s), hold your breath(s), and let ‘er rip. Even though it might seem like a good deal, I would not recommend paying the extra buck for the “wax” option since the “wax” used in these places is actually just the old motor oil which has been pumped in from the adjacent Goob & Lube franchise next door. Conversely, don’t change the oil in your board at the Goob & Lube, since the “oil” is actually just old car wash water!

In order to save money, some people drive their boats directly into the car-wash without their cars. Many times they will do this at night after several hours of sampling various forms of alcoholic refreshments. If you choose this option, be sure to remove your radio antenna first.

Boat motors also get dirty. To properly clean a motor you will need several gallons of Formula 409, a large washing machine, ten loaves of bread, 5 pounds of peanut butter, and six cases of beer. (If you can’t find 409, then use 408. Do not use 407 which has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory washing machines. And do not use a Formula One either as these are very delicate and will not fit in a washing machine.).

Spray the Formula 409 on your motor, rub it around with a dry rag until all the dirt is smeared evenly, and wait for it to dry. This will take at least a month. While waiting, eat your peanut butter sandwiches and drink beer. Use the washing machine to do your laundry or your clothes will begin to smell bad and no one will want to be near you. When the Formula 409 is dry, use a wire brush to remove the residue (as well as all the paint on your motor). Then return the motor to the manufacturer with a scathing letter about defective materials, threaten to sue, and they will send you a brand new CLEAN one!

Other things on your boat can get dirty too. Anchors and drink holders and even your mother-in-law’s language can get pretty dirty sometimes. I consulted with my good friend Martha Tarpon-Stewart (author of “Talking Dirty - A Guide To Marinas and Flower Shops”) to see what she would recommend to clean them.

Martha recommended a combination of lemon juice, vinegar, baking soda, lighter fluid and eye of Newt, mixed in equal parts and poured into a large frosted tumbler over crushed ice with a sprig of mint. No wait, that’s her recipe for Crepe Suzette(s). For cleaning boats she referred me to Jacque(s) Cousteau(s) Jr. who in turn referred me to his attorney who said he had no comment pending current litigation. I tried to find some No Comment or Litigation in the cleaning section of the hardware store but they didn’t have any so I can’t tell you what to use to clean those things.

Some people don’t clean their boats at all. Personally I find this practice abhorrent and I think that if they only knew how fast and easy it was if they just used Doctor Phunn’s Special Dirty Boat Cleaner...... oops......

Eric Sanford eric@shockles.com